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Everything I need to know I learned from cartoons |
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Written by Administrator
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Friday, 04 December 2009 |
Editor’s note: In honor of the Voice’s Tenth anniversary, (and do to a bout of laziness by the writer) we are proud to reprint the first-ever Word From Bird, in all its original glory from the November 30, 2000 issue.
Ah, the 70’s. What a great time to grow up. Watergate, Patty Hearst, the Oil crisis, the Hostages and Saturday Morning Cartoons in their Prime. Oh it was a heady time. Many was the morning that I would awake in the pre dawn chill of a Wisconsin winter, slip on my slippers and sneak downstairs, past my parents bedroom, who would surely send me back to bed if I were caught, into the kitchen where I would fix a huge bowl of Sugar Coated High Power Super Sugary Energy Pops or something like that. Then make my way into the living room. (Remember, this was the 70’s. Long before a TV in every room and remote controls and VCR’s), climb into Dad’s Laz-y-boy and slip into animated bliss.
What a magical time, all of life’s problems were summed up and resolved in 24 minutes, always with a moral lesson thrown in. If it wasn’t for Fat Albert and the Cosby Kids or The Superfriends, who knows what might have become of me. I might have become a felon a deviant or even, God forbid, a politician...shudder. And they weren’t your namby-pamby, cross merchandised, over drawn, pseudo-violent cartoons of today, no they were namby-pamby, poorly merchandised, badly drawn, non-violent pabulum, meant to distract us from the world around us.
Let’s take a look at some of the lessons I’ve learned, shall we?
1. Garbage is Cool. Boy that Bill Cosby sure knew how to live. Growing up in Urbania like we did, we had to beg our parents to take us to the nearest city dump so we could build a clubhouse and make musical instruments out of discarded hospital waste. Strange but they never would.
2. Before You Do Anything; Think About it Out Loud. “What? A giant asteroid is about to crash into the Earth and there is only 3 seconds to save the world? I’ll just use my super strength and push the Earth out of its path. What? Too late? Drat.”
2a. You Can Move The Planet and Nothing Will Happen. Forget physics, forget common sense. Superman has shown us time and again that the Earth is nothing more than an overinflated beach ball. And by just grabbing it somewhere around China, you can push it anywhere you want it to go. Don’t worry about the atmosphere or the cold of deep space, it’ll be just fine.
3. Falling off a Cliff Doesn’t Hurt. (Not to be confused with the ever popular “Here put this dynamite in your mouth, it’s fun!) Good ole Wile E Coyote, that poor sap could fall better than Dick Van Dyke. How many of us jumped off our garages holding just a cocktail umbrella and a sign saying “YIPES”? Anyone? Anyone? Just me?
4. Animals Can Talk. I always knew my dog was smart, but I guess since I never ran across mutant zombies or spooky ghosts, he never got a chance to do much more than piddle on the rug.
5. My Evil Machines MUST Have a Fatal Flaw That Is Obvious to Everyone. “My Hypto-Ray will transform you all into my slaves...What you pulled the plug! Curse you and your dog too.”
6. No Matter How Bad a Person is, Always Act Like Nothing Happened Next Week. Why didn’t someone just tell Rudy to find his own junkyard and leave Fat Albert alone?
7. The Simpler the Disguise, the Better. Even Superman with his x-ray vision never seemed to notice that the man in the wig and glasses was Lex Luthor, even when his super hearing should have heard me yelling that it was a trap.
Speaking of traps, here is the ultimate rule:
8: When You Trap The Hero, Make it Easy For Him to Get Away. Why the elaborate plans? Shoot them. And don’t tell them your plans, it’ll come back and bite you in the end.
As you can see, I probably had too much time on my hands growing up. But I can assure you I am perfectly normal in all respects... other than a strange aversion to glowing green rocks, that is.
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